one year later

It was about this time last year that I decided to jump on taking medication for my social anxiety disorder( I was diagnosed with it in August of 2008).  Best life changing decision I ever have made.  I spent too many years listening to other people who probably didn’t know what they were talking about or were in a group that had a negative impact taking said medications.

Are anti-depressants good for you?  It is a question you have to make, but don’t get caught up on that question.  The real important question to ask yourself is this: do you want to better yourself and life? If depression or anxiety grips your life to a point where you can’t do normal things; and therapy or lack thereof aren’t helping, I would say taking a chance is probably something you will not regret.

The only regret I have is not doing this sooner.  I started this when I was 27 yrs. old and I kick myself for taking this long to do this.  I wasted a good 8-9 years of my life being crippled with my anxiety.  Does anxiety/depression effect you?  YES. Guess what, it also effects every single relationship/friendship that you had/have/will have.  Don’t think for a second that you are in control, you aren’t.  And you are taking your own personal bullshit out on others.  Realizing that was a huge downer on my part; but I didn’t let myself get stuck on it for long.  I am now making an effort to improve my emotional/mental well-being and I learned from my mistakes.

I also advocate for seeking counseling no matter what the cost.  I read stuff online where people can easily justify not seeking therapy, and it is sad.  I racked up over $700 worth of therapy bills, and you want to know something?  I never once thought, “Whoa I could have gotten something so cool with that money.”  That was the best $700 I ever spent on myself.  I would do it again, and there is nothing else to say about that.  Myself is worth that and so much more.

Which leads me to the cost of medication and it’s side effects.  I am now on round three of different meds.

• The first one I got on was Citalopram (aka celexa).  Side effects?  For me it was horrible stomach aches, but I can’t honestly say it was citalopram’s fault.  I have a bad stomach to begin with.  Deal-breaking side effects:  loss of sex drive and weight gain.  I justified these for nearly eight months before realize the lack of any sex drive was damaging my relationship, and the weight gain was making me depressed.  It was a vicious cycle; citalopram zapped my anxiety, but made me gain a lot of weight, which in turn made me very depressed.  I said fuck that back in December and switched.  Price of generic citalopram:  $4 a month at Fred Meyer’s.
• Number two:  Zoloft.  The change from citalopram to zoloft was noticeable.  Oh hey, sex drive you are back… haaaaaay.  Guess what?  I gained almost 15lbs in one month.  My depression was gone, my anxiety was even more low, but I just couldn’t justify the weight gain.  I’m very active right now.  I don’t have a car, I take 15 credits worth of classes, and walk 5x a week to get where I gotta go.  How the bloody hell I gained weight was beyond me.  A month later (last week) I decided it wasn’t worth it.  My bad knee can’t take the extra weight.  Cost of Zoloft:  $8 a month at Rite-Aid.
• Number three:  Wellbutrin.  I tried to get on this earlier back in December because of it won’t cause weight gain.  I started taking it last Friday.  So far the biggest thing I’ve noticed is the nearly complete lack of appetite I have.  I can eat a handful of crackers and I am absurdly full.  I also have seen an increase of sleep (which is awesome, I have a hard time going to sleep/getting sleep).  So far, I think I am seeing more side effects of going off Zoloft than side effects from taking Wellbutrin.  Cost of Wellbutrin (generic):  $86 at Rite-Aid.

Holy fuck.  I was in shock when I heard the girl tell me the price, but you know what?  I paid it.  I didn’t hesitate to pay for it.  I’m tight for money, and luckily this week I had extra cash.  I wish more people would realize that taking care of your mental state is so important.  If people can justify going out to drink, party, out to eat, then why can’t your emotional well-being be up there too?  I’m not trying to say “HEY GO TAKE PILLS THEY MAKE YOU HAPPY!!”  No, they don’t make you happy.  I feel more adjusted and level-headed.  I now can do things I have never done before and don’t have mass amounts of paranoid thoughts flying in my head.

If I had the money I would take my meds along with going to a therapist.  Which leads me to my last subject I want to talk about; researching what the state you live in can do for you.  Currently in Washington, I qualify for free therapy and group sessions (I was warned that it wouldn’t be like my one-on-one relationship with my past therapist, but just quick 10 min meetings to talk about any issues, and then more group therapy).  This is all free for me.  Right now I am waiting for my referral to go through and hear what the dates/times are.  I am excited to see where that will go.

But this is my one year update on how I decided to take anti-depressants for my anxiety.  If you have any questions, please write me and I will write back.  Thanks.

PS - I also forgot to say that my girlfriend, Sara has been on this long journey with me.  Her and I actually dated while I was strictly in therapy sans meds.  I think she saw all aspects of me, and to an extent suffered along with my anxiety.  I was too afraid to do things with her in public, which was hard on her.  I am thankful for her patience and kindness.  She was supportive in the beginning and even now.  I will admit, that I partly made the jump to medication because I knew I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t get help and how I would have treated her in the long run.  She deserves the best of me, just like I deserve the best of me.  She has been there right with me, and has gone through the downs of me losing my sex drive, and staying patient (and at times very sexually frustrated, heh) and strong.  For that I am truly thankful to be with someone who wasn’t going to stigmatize me for taking anti-depressants.  I know she was a bit skeptical, but two weeks in she noticed a major difference.  I think for me, the best thing I got out of this was going to Zoo Lights in Tacoma the for the second time last month.  I remember how I felt last year (sans meds) and I was so nervous, anxious and paranoid.  I couldn’t hold her hand, I was too afraid to kiss her.

I kept grabbing her hand, and holding her and not being afraid.  That is worth everything to me.